Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
