Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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