if only i could text you this smell
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
