What a fucking waste of an outfit
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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