Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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