Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
