Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
