He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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