I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
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Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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