Tell her she can't have a vagina
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
