You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My Higher Power is John Stamos
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Randomize
