god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
