I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
It's like God shit irony all over that family
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
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I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
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She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.