Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.