Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.