hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.