wrigley field is MILF paradise
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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