Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.