CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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