Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
