so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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