If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
