ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Everything about him screamed your future.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
