I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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