did you get engaged???
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
