i need an iv and a liver transplant
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So much rum. So many feels.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.