Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
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As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah