Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends