It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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