My liver just broke up with me...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
