I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
