there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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