You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
