I want to walk on stilts...naked
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
