I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize