New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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