I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
