The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
