So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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