ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
