So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
