every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
