Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
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Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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