Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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