I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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