Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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