Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
they call him Oral-B. enough said
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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