Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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