I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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