You really coming over, don't trick.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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