There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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