those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
