im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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