my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
