I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
