twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
