Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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