you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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