I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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