he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
