i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
