I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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