i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
